I sit down to a table. A puzzle lies in front of me. I don’t know how the pieces fit together. But I know there’s something there. And once my mind finds it, I’ll write about it. For now, my body knows so I’ll just dance about it.

// Song: Bjork - Hidden Place

1.1.2020

And so we begin again. Another rotation.

In the week leading up to this day, I was disappointed - jealous, really. I had begun to be a part of something. And if you know me (which no one on this earth actually does anymore), you know that that’s what I want more than anything. I had gained entrance to a quaint little family, the matriarch and center of which was a mile away from me. But I fucked it up. I got greedy, tried to eat the whole cake. I wasn’t solely to blame but I played my part. So the damage is irreparably done and I am no longer a member of that family. They’ll have their movie nights, visit their art exhibits, go to their mountains, and I’ll be alone yet again. Taker of the photo, never the subject.

I thought about how I would spend the new year alone while many other people would spend it with friends. Then I thought back on last year’s closing ceremony. Not only was I alone but I was serving alcohol to strangers in sub-40 weather and crying in the bathroom between mixing drinks. I had totaled my car and lost everything only a few months prior. And I hate alcohol.

This year, I live alone in my little green home and I pay my rent in full every month and my car works just fine and I release music when I want and I may be alone but I talk to God and I talk to my mom. I see signs in everything, I walk in light. In this past month, I uncovered a world of hurt I was unaware of - all these old scars waiting to be healed. So this is a great way to end 2019, actually.

I resolved to have my own party. I bought a bag of challah and I went through 3 refills of coffee at this cafe, drank ‘til the edge of sick. A caffeine communion. Happy New Year - and it is the year of the rat.

troimusic:

1.1.2019

2019 started terribly

I bartended a rich woman named Jennifer’s party at her mansion in The Oaks

I’ve never really done anything for New Years or cared about the holiday so I didn’t care.

Didn’t care that I was working instead of partying like other young people might be

But it was so cold

It was 40° F

And we were outside for 2 hours

By hour 3, I was getting worried

The winds were terrible and all the guests kept saying, “I feel so bad for you - it’s freezing out here”

But they didn’t tip us

So what you mean to say, sir, is you’d like to look like you care but you don’t actually give a shit

There were maybe 35-40 people there and Crystal and I split $80 in tips. Total. If they each gave $5, we would have made $100 each. Fucking heartless cheap fucks

3.5 hours in I was shivering and cold very deep inside

People told me to take a shot to keep warm but I don’t fucking want to drink

I shouldn’t have to ingest Fireball if I don’t want to

PLUS if I drink, all inhibition is out and I’m going to fucking cry

Anyway 4 hours in, I walked inside the warm guest house where the bathroom was. I turned to the wall because tears were slowly burning my eyes. I figured if I just let them roll down slowly, no one would notice. But then my nose started running and the tears began a steady flow so I kept dabbing at my face. There was a couple in line for the bathroom. The woman came behind me and asked if I was okay and I said yes. But of course when someone gives you a safe space, that’s when your wall crumbles and so I, my own wall, crumbled and I started crying in front of this stranger who hugged me and her rich husband was right there and other rich strangers were going in and out and they didn’t notice what was going on.

The hugger woman waited in the bathroom line for me so I didn’t have to show my face. Once she was at the front, I jetted into the bathroom to wet my eyes and clean my nose then went back outside to my station at the bar

I continued to shiver and my teeeth chattered

And tears occasionally (without warning) slipped down my face while I was pouring drinks

And no one gave a fuck

I was a dog

Shivering and shaking for $40 in tips

And $13.25 an hour for 5 hours

But in L.A., they treat their dogs better than that

I was a rat

On the very first day of 2019 I have begun my new life

I scraped with my little vermin paws

Scraped into nirvana

Here I am

Happy New Year Rats

12.28.19

Maybe this feeling is it. This feeling of wandering around a world that belongs to me is the feeling - this is bliss. This angst is perfect. Just me and my Holy Spirit getting lost as we please. It’s a perfect pool - my own internal Taj Mahal. A work of art. And if anyone touches the water - it ripples - ruining the perfect reflection. Ceasing to become one of the seven wonders. No longer a work of art. Some things are meant to be seen and not touched. Maybe that’s me.

thank u so much for making music queen everything you put out is beautiful aesthetically and musically 💘💘💘

- Asked by Anonymous

Aw this is lovely to login to 🖤 happy Christmas u

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